Believing in Myself
Having a miscarriage is truly a disappointment in one’s heart. I won’t wake up any longer saying to myself “another day closer to my due date.” All your dreams just flush down the drain. A sudden death….an unexpected stop. The planning stops…the trips to the baby department…no more.
I have had 2 miscarriages and I hope I never have another! My first miscarriage was 4 years after my second child was born. I went in for my first check-up, very excited to be pregnant. During the routine ultrasound, which my doctor does for all initial visits, she suspected something was wrong. So, I was sent to the hospital to get an ultrasound on the big, hi-tec machines. As my doctor had predicted, my baby had died. I was 11 weeks and devastated by this news. Well, my doc said I “have” to go to the hospital first thing in the morning and have a d&c. So, I was there first thing in the morning signing papers, more like signing my life away! Things like…the doctor is not responsible if I become sterile…and I must receive blood if there is blood loss….and things “could” go wrong with the surgery, but it’s not their fault.
Anyway, then I was sent for blood, and urine, and a chest x-ray. After that I was wheeled off in a bed to a surgery waiting room. A few minutes later, my anesthesiologist came over and put an IV in. He was very technical and mechanical about the whole thing. The next thing I know, he was griping at the nurses to call my doctor because she has a bad habit of being late for surgery. Oh great! I thought to myself. He hates my doctor. Who knows what will happen when I am “under”! Then a nurse put something in my IV to calm me, which at that point I needed. My doctor walked in and “routinely” reassured me everything would be okay.
Before I woke up, I could hear the nurses calling my name. I remember feeling that I was not breathing, I tried and finally I inhaled. It was the worst feeling! My mouth was soooo dry, I could not even swallow. I was allowed to go home if I kept down the breakfast that they served me. The nurse gave me instructions on breathing deep and coughing. I could catch pneumonia, she said. All that for being put to sleep!! I vowed that if I were to ever have another miscarriage, it would not be in a hospital!!
After that horrifying experience I became pregnant 3 months later which ended with a beautiful baby girl, who is now 18 months. But just recently, on July 4th, I had another miscarriage. I just started bleeding. I felt very disappointed, but there is not much one can do. It just happens. We were at a wedding party when it happened and I told my husband firmly “we need to go home.” He understood something was not right. When I explained to him what was happening, he got a frightful look on his face and wanted to know if I had to go to the hospital. Even my husband does not particularly like hospitals. I told him no, take me home. I will be fine. It is just like a heavy period. Home was where I wanted to be to think about what just happened.
So, home we went and the next day, I passed my baby after a few minutes of heavy cramping. I immediately scooped it up with a plastic container. I examined it. It did not look much like a baby. It looked more like a piece of meat or flesh with blood balls on it. I don’t know how else to describe it. But it was mine. It was my sweet baby who I longed and waited for to kick and play inside my womb. But here he/she is….a life so short. I sat in wonderment and just thought about the power of God….how the baby forms in stages so perfectly. It’s awesome.
All my friends kept pushing me to go to the hospital but I refused. I told them I am okay, I am not in pain. Just let my body take care of it. Women have been doing it since the beginning of time. I trust my body. I am very happy that I stayed at home. I was able to grieve how I needed to grieve. I was able to examine my baby privately and tenderly instead of having it sucked out of me in a million pieces. Having been able to pass my baby and see it, helped me to complete my mourning. It’s like completing the circle…..beginning-middle-end.
After experiencing an unassisted miscarriage, I am ready to experience an unassisted childbirth. It is strange, because I have always wanted to be alone when I was in labor. I never used drugs (only demoral towards the end) but nothing else. I never screamed or went out of control. Even the nurses tell me they have never seen anyone so calm and ”good” as they say. I know I can do an unassisted birth. As a matter of fact, after my second child, I ordered the nurse to bring me my placenta, I wanted to see it. She laughed and told me she had never had such a request. And she brought it to me in a pan.
After reading all the birth stories on “Bornfree!” I have so much faith in myself. I have already told my husband I will have my next baby at home. Oh, by the way, my husband was an unassisted birth. The midwife did not make it! His mother tells me “no one was there, only me, my son, and God.” So, I hope I can carry down that tradition with my 2 girls. I hope my story has touched someone else’s life so that maybe we can all understand each other a little better.